J.P. RICCARDI AND WIFE SHEA HILLENBRAND SPLIT AFTER 1 1/2 YEAR RELATIONSHIP DUE TO "IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES"

Riccardi claims that the break-up didn't have anything to do with Shea adopting a child over the weekend, but doesn't offer an alternate explanation other than the classic Hollywood divorce excuse: Irreconcilable differences. Riiiight. Maybe when Shea and two(?) of his teammates wrote "this is a sinking ship" on the locker room white board, he showed just how petty the last parts of a relationship can be.

But still, Shea was confused..."they are making me feel like I did something wrong," the 30-year-old Hillenbrand said after he was DFA'd. Maybe we have different definitions of wrong. I'm sure it's hard when your man starts playing a guy named Lyle over you, but that's no reason to belittle the sanctity of a team white board.

Seriously, If we wanted to hear about irreconcilable differences, we'd buy a copy of US Weekly and hang out with Bill Simmons' wife.

WHITE CASSELL SPOTTED IN ARIZONA

It appears that Sam Cassell is no longer the ugliest man in the NBA, at least he doesn't own the title outright anymore. While Steve Nash always had a few supporters here and there, Cassell and his E.T. resemblances always took the crown with little argument. However, in a development that no one expected, it turns out that Steve Nash looks identical to Sam Cassell, he was just hiding underneath a foot of hair the whole time. So, White Cassell, congratulations, you are now 1/2 of the tandem making up the ugliest player in the NBA, nay, all of sports.
Within the next two weeks, you will both be receiving your annual notes of thanks from Sloth...er...Greg Ostertag...er...BABY RUUUTH.

PART III OF THE BET: aka, the part where i win.

Since this is the second year of 'who buys beers at the yanks-sawks game', we decided that we should mix the subjects of last years bet (jon(athan) papelbon) and this years bets (home runs) into one glorious third part. So here goes: between August 18 and September 14 (the day before our game) the Red Sox play 27 times. In those 27 games, Paps over/under on home runs allowed is 1.5. Clearly I, living in Boston/supporting the Sawks, get the under and Cara, being a terrorist whore, gets the over. Now, let the record show that Paps has only given up two hr's all year, but the pen is starting to get depleted and he is starting to look semi hittable. (yes, i'm just saying that so cara feels better about her bet). He could very easily give up back to back dongerinos and this bet is over. But, from Aug 18 - Sept. 14, I'll be praying for few save opportunities. My wallet can't handle a loss.

(I just ran a spell check, apparently 'dongerinos' is not a real word...yet)

BEER AT YANKEE STADIUM, PART II is completed...

on the first night of the bet, both Cara and I had a player hit one deep. Mike Lowell got one for me, while Cara blew her load watching Texeira hit 3 and Pujols knock one out. So, on to the second day we went.

Cara picked:
victor martinez
nick swisher
scott rolen
ryan zimmerman
and the soothing sounds of rauuuul (ibanez)

David Picked:
Vlad the impaler
frank thomas
konerko
beltran
and brandon 'drinking' inge

one important note is that we both picked players from the A's because beckett was pitching and he seems to be trying to give up as many homeruns as big papi can hit. We were right to pick A's because Beck gave a hr and the sox lost 15-3...however, neither of our A's went deep. in fact, the only player to go deep, was...VLAD. making me the winner of part two and pushing us on towards the ultimate part of the bet.

BEER AT YANKEE STADIUM BET PART II:

I forgot to mention in the last post about the beer bet that this bet was a best two of three bet. Cleary, it goes without saying that Cara absolutely owned me in Part 1 of the bet. The only good part was my cursing of troy glaus that happened well before the home run contest happened.

SO, on to PART II of the bet. the rules are as follows:

we each get 5 players per night to continue a home run streak as long as possible. we can't choose the same player twice, and we can't have the same players on the same night. also whoever breaks the streak first loses and if it's you then you're buying me a LOT of beer.

Cara's players, night 1

1. albert pujols

2. mark teixeira

3. gary matthews jr.

4. manny ramirez

5. andre ethier

David's players, night 1

1. mike lowell

2. miguel tejada

3. garrett atkins

4. matt holliday

5. justin morneau

my logic...by picking solid players but holding off on the pujols' and ortiz' of the world, I'm trying to play my cards right. There is a solid shot that I lose one night one, but my plan is that this bet will be won by whoever makes it three nights in a row. So I went with atkins/holliday b/c milton gives up homeruns like there's a bonus in his contract for it and i figured that with those two, i could avoid a superstar. Pitching matchups are a big part of this. I'll admit I'm scared that manny's meniscus is gonna put one up

MATERAZZI, AS CLASSY AS AN ITALIAN CAN BE:

While in London for the Summer, I'm privy to a few benefits; the main benefit is unreal obsession with sports. Which is why I'm happy (and not that shocked) that the BBC hired LIP READERS to figure out what Materazzi said to Zidane before getting a head butt ala Gorgeous George in Snatch. Here is what they found:

BBC Radio Five Live asked for help from a deaf lip reader, Jessica Rees, who read the words phonetically to an Italian translator.
She deciphered the insult as being "you're the son of a terrorist whore" - a translation also carried by many national newspapers in Britain on Tuesday.
The BBC's Ten O'Clock News also called in experts to study the television footage of the incident and determined the following:
Materazzi's first word to Zidane was "no" before he then told him to "calm down".
He then accused him of being a "liar" and wished "an ugly death to you and your family" on the day the Frenchman's mother had been taken to hospital ill. This was followed by "Go f*** yourself".
Zidane's agent, Alain Migliaccio, has hinted that Zidane will soon reveal exactly what was said by Materazzi.

To make matters worse, or possibly just to prove that he needs to hire a publicist and an agent quickly, Materazzi said: "It is absolutely not true, I did not call him a terrorist. I'm ignorant. I don't even know what the word means," the Italian news agency Ansa quoted Materazzi as saying after the Italian team returned to Rome.

Notice that Materazzi did not deny knowing what a whore was.

Regardless: implicating his (dying) mother was a terrorist whore. Well done sir, well done indeed. While you're at it, why not be the first to 'break the mold' on London bombing jokes or 9/11 jokes no seriously, it'll go over well. I hear that talking about raping children is chic now too, have at it Mr. Edgy. Enjoy your world cup. Italy sucks, it's like a country of Romanowski's.

Also, Apparently when Materazzi was tugging at Zizou's jersey pre-head butt, Zidane looked at him and said, 'if you really want my jersey, just ask, you can have it after the match.' Ladies and gentleman, THAT is a man.

Links:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/5168126.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/teams/france/5164094.stm

THE HOME RUN BET

THE STAKES: an entire day of beer purchasing before/during/after the Sox/Yanks game at the Stadium on September 15 2006.

THE CONTESTANTS: David (Sox) and Cara (Yanks)

THE RULES: there will be a draft of the 8 players competing in the home run contest. Each contestant will have 4 players. After the contest, each contestant will add up the TOTAL number of homeruns that their players hit. The contestant with the highest number wins.

THE DRAFT:
Round 1: David - Ryan Howard
Round 4: David - Miggy Tejada
Round 5: David - Troy Glaus
Round 8: David - Jermaine Dye

Round 2: Cara - Lance Berkman
Round 3: Cara - Miggy Cabrera
Round 6: Cara - David Wright
Round 7: Cara - David Ortiz



Notes: my strategy involved the knowledge that Cara hates David Ortiz more than she hates getting fisted by a guy wearing those Hulk Hands (I guess it happens to her a lot?). Unfortunately, she hates buying beer for me even more than that. So, she begrudingly took Ortiz, leaving me with Jermaine "if it weren't for AJ everyone would hate me the most" Dye. Oh well. Also, I hate Troy Glaus. This is going to be a victory with very little joy.

AN OPEN LETTER TO BONZI WELLS

Bonzi,

I know that you think you are crazy. But you are not. Our mutual friend Ron Artest is crazy. His 'campaigning' to get you to stay in Sacramento is as follows:

"I told him if he leaves, then I'm going to kill him. Unless he wants to die, he's got to stay (with the Kings)."

Don't be fooled by the laugh that he forced afterwards. We both know that he doesn't have a sense of humor (except for the Allure thing).

I'm just looking out for you man.

Your friend.

David

rumor has it that Zinedine Zidane gave Materazzi the finishing move because he made fun well publicized Algerian heritage/Muslim faith. To be honest, it doesn't really matter what it was to us, there isn't a more badass way to leave your career. So to you Zizou, the Moor of Paris, you've gone out in style just like Othello...now lets just hope that the Iago here gets his comeupins.